


Victim, Perpetrator

by Melime



Category: Star Trek - Various Authors
Genre: Canonical Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mentioned Spock (Star Trek), Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Aftermath, Spock Messiah! - Theodore R. Cogswell & Charles A. Spano Jr., no warnings apply would feel wrong in this case, post rape & not graphic so I think no need for a archive warning but choose not to warn just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:56:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28550493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: After their lives are no longer at risk, Sara can finally think about what happened to her, and what she did to commander Spock against both of their wills.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 2
Collections: Small Fandoms Fest





	Victim, Perpetrator

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Vítima, Agente](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28550547) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf)



> Written for the small fandom fest, prompt "Star Trek (tie-in novels), Sara, After all is over, what she did and what happened to her sets in. (Spock, Messiah! - Theodore R. Cogswell & Charles A. Spano, Jr.)"
> 
> Mind the tags, please. This story deals with the rape that Sara describes in the book, between her and Spock while both were manipulated by mind-altering technology.
> 
> For people who didn't read the book and want context spoilers:  
> \- Ensign Sara George, human, assigned to the Enterprise, responsible for the testing of dopp technology  
> \- Dopp, from doppelgänger, tech used to sync researcher to a native, in order to absorb language skills, mannerisms, etc. The connection is one way and must be made between compatible people. Dopp is used as the name of the tech and to refer to the person chosen.  
> \- Sara selected an incompatible dopp for herself, due to curiosity about sexual liberation, and the side effect was being essentially controlled by the personality of her dopp. Under that effect, she also replaces Spock's dopp.  
> \- Spock's dopp, due to their complete opposition in compatibility, overwhelms Spock, assuming complete control of his actions, as well as being able to use Spock's superior intelligence.  
> \- While under the effects of the dopps, Sara and Spock have sex, which she recognizes, when retelling the story to senior officers, as a violation.  
> \- For more information, a book summary is available on memory-beta. https://memory-beta.fandom.com/wiki/Spock,_Messiah!

They were far away from the planet by the time Sara realized the visceral reaction she had to seeing commander Spock, a conflicting mixture of shame, guilt, disgust, and something akin to fear.

When she recounted the events to the captain and the others, she understood what happened to be a sort of violation. It took her a little longer to realize it had been rape. That word, ugly word, carried a weight violation didn’t come close to conveying. Her body was violated just as she violated the rules of the dopp trial, it made things sound only slightly wrong. She was raped, and arguably had raped commander Spock, it sounded harsh, unforgivable.

As much as she could never have predicted these consequences, they were her own fault. She let her curiosity get the best of her, so irresponsibly. If she hadn’t purposefully selected the wrong dopp, then nothing would have happened. And all for what? So she could understand what it was like to be in control of her sexuality, comfortable in her own body? In a way she understood herself much better now, but she wasn’t sure she liked what she discovered. It seemed so silly now, how she wanted to feel but never could.

Strangely, she found it much easier now to undress, to use her body as a means to an end. She still disliked the exposure, but saw it with some detached indifference. She wasn’t sure if that was an aftereffect of the dopp, or a way of coping with the rape. Maybe it was both. Maybe she was projecting what she learned from the dopp, maybe taking control and using her body to seduce was the only way she could accept what she did under the influence of someone else.

It was hard to separate which actions came from her subconscious desires and which were a weird interaction with the dopp. She didn’t know if it mattered either way, since she would never have acted on any desires if not for her lack of control over her own mind. Still, she couldn’t believe she turned out to be just another one in the long list of women attracted to the exotism of a Vulcan, and worst, one capable of violating - raping - one.

She didn’t have the courage, or perhaps the audacity, to ask for commander’s Spock’s perspective. Would he claim that famous Vulcan indifference or see her as his attacker? Being Vulcan, she had a feeling he would rate the violation of his mind above that of his body, being forced to feel until it was all too much for him, until the other took control of his mind and occasionally his body.

What happened to her was traumatic, but what she did to him was worse. At least she had some choice in the matter, she knew she would be altering her perception, even if she couldn’t have imagined what that would make her do. She made her choice, even if it was a bad one. She made her choice, even if she wasn’t sure she could live with the consequences. He had no warning of what would happen, and because of him several people died, and a world was irreparably changed.

Because of him, and because of her. Those deaths should be on her conscience too, but it was always harder to care about alien species, at least those so far removed, pre warp, something to be studied like a scientific curiosity. In a way, not so different from the more intelligent animal species studied on Earth. His actions were so far removed from anything she could have imagined when she changed her dopp that it was near impossible to take responsibility, even if it was ultimately her fault.

She didn’t blame commander Spock for what he did to her, but that primal fear was still there, deep on her subconscious, every time she saw him. She knew that he wouldn’t hurt her of his own volition, but she also knew he could lift her with ease, toss her on a bed and do whatever he wanted with her, that his strength was more than she could face. That he wouldn’t want to harm her, that he seemed to have no interest in sex when not taken by outside influence, was irrelevant. She still feared him, without meaning to.

There was no one moment of revelation where she realized she could no longer stay on the Enterprise. That would have been too simple. Instead, it creeped up on her, so painfully slow she had no hope of pinpointing when things changed. The overlap between their schedules was limited, so she could spend days without seeing him, but whenever she saw him on the hallways, she felt a sense of dread.

She brought this on herself and she didn’t deserve what happened to her, an unbearable dichotomy. One decision, and consequences she would have to live with for her entire life. Giving in to a moment’s impulse, and now she had a stain on her record that would be hard to get past.

Her record made it difficult, if not impossible, to get another assignment, at least any decent one. But she couldn’t stay on the Enterprise anymore. Without denial and a threat to their lives to keep her grounded, her distance to what happened was slowly eroding. She feared soon she would break down crying if she saw commander Spock on the corridors, and she had to leave before that.

Just as theirs had been a rape with only victims and no true guilty parties, her trauma was one for which no one could be truly blamed, perhaps in a way not even her. As far as everyone else was concerned, seemingly not even commander Spock. She was the one who couldn't put everything behind her.

There was no good solution, no good choice, perhaps not even a way to come to terms with her actions without a good dose of denial. The only thing she knew was that she couldn’t stay around the ship anymore, couldn’t bear to look at the faces of the people she almost got killed with her irresponsibility, couldn’t handle the possibility of facing commander Spock at any time. Her days on the Enterprise were numbered, and all because she couldn’t keep the feelings of her dopp under control.


End file.
